As Summers Go
by TheNovice
Summary: Harry and Ron must each chose between love and friendship. They make different choices and have to live with the consequences. A story of love, madness, and redemption...and lots of Angst


As Summers Go  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: I am not an experienced writer by any stretch, but this story was the most difficult thing I have ever written. The original version was much darker than this one, but I wasn't able to sleep until I modified the story to its current form.  
  
If Angst bothers you, then you will not like this story. In too many fan fictions I have read, Harry and company lead perfect lives and have perfect relationships. Looking back on my own teenage years absolutely nothing went smoothly, especially where relationships were concerned. I brought all of that to the world of Harry Potter and took it to an extreme.  
  
***  
  
As summers go, this one hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. The Dursleys are still total prats. I still have nightmares about Cedric. My scar still hurts. But none of that seems so important any more. Hermione kissed me! If I had to summon a patronus now, it could take on all the Dementors in the world. As if that wasn't enough, I got an owl from her today and there at the bottom she signed it 'Love, Hermione'.  
  
Love. Just the sound of the word makes me feel warm inside now. I've been so stupid pining away over Cho all this time, when Hermione has been right there the whole time. This is real, I know it is. With Cho I always felt weak and drained and just plain foolish. Hermione makes me feel full and overflowing. I can't wait to tell her. I thought about writing her a letter, but I want to do this in person.  
  
This is a first for me. Love has always been for other people. My parents loved me, but I don't remember them. It's not the same thing anyway. They loved me because I was their son. This is different. Hermione loves me because I'm me. Nobody's ever done that before. I just can't stop thinking about her.  
  
What if I'm wrong though? I can't be wrong. I don't even want to think about it. She kissed me. She signed the letter 'Love' – not 'Your Friend' but 'Love'. How could I feel this way on return if it wasn't love? I'm not wrong. I love her and she loves me. That's just the way it is.  
  
I wonder if I should tell Ron? Will this affect our friendship? I should probably wait until I talk to Hermione first. This is driving me nuts! I need to tell someone! I'm so happy I think I'm going to explode. Maybe I'll just write letters to no one, that way I can at least get it out of my system and finally get some sleep.  
  
…  
  
I can't believe Hermione ever even THOUGHT about going to Bulgaria! And she kissed Krum! That stupid git can't even say her name right and she kissed him! Any fool can see he's all wrong for her! Everyone else acts like it's perfectly OK for them to see each other. Why am I the only one who can see what a big mistake this is?  
  
Why do I even bother? Why do I care if Hermione is so determined to wreck her life? Because she's my friend, that's why. I would be just as upset if Harry were chasing after somebody like Millicent Bulstrode. Ewww! That's a mental image I didn't need. Ha! Actually, that might have some comic value. Maybe I should encourage it.  
  
Ginny would kill me.  
  
Ginny says I fancy Hermione, I just can't admit it to myself. A lot of rubbish that is. Me fancy Hermione? What a bloody mess that would be…like she would even pay attention to the likes of me after having an International Quidditch star falling all over her. Just because I don't want to see one of my two best friends get hurt doesn't mean I fancy her. So why am I so bloody ticked off? What if Ginny's right? Come on Ron Weasley and think! Try to think of a reason why you could be so angry with Krum if you didn't fancy Hermione…  
  
I'm still thinking.  
  
Oh no! It's true! It's the only thing that makes sense. Damn Ginny! I was better off not knowing. What am I going to do now? What do I usually do when I'm at a total loss? I ask Hermione because she knows everything – I can't very well do that this time… I could ask Ginny, but then I'd have to listen to her gloat about being right. Fred and George are out – that would just be asking for trouble. There's no way I'm talking to Mum or Dad about this, I'd never hear the end of that either. Harry. He's not exactly an authority on the subject but he's better than no one.  
  
…  
  
I'm so worried about Harry. I swear, someday I am going to hex those Dursleys into toads. I simply can't imagine why Professor Dumbledore insists that he stay with them. He always comes back so thin and pale. After what he went through in the third task, he needs to be with friends, not stuffed into a cupboard and starved. It's a wonder he still alive. I don't know how he does it, but in his last letter he even sounded happy. I think he's just putting up a front so I won't worry about him.  
  
Why can't Ron be just a little more like Harry? Why does he have to such a prat about things? OK, maybe I did mention Viktor a little more than I should have…and maybe I did it on purpose because it was kind of fun to see him act so jealous. Honestly though, how could he seriously think I would think I would go to Bulgaria? Serves him right for the way he treated me before the Yule Ball… So he finally figured out I was a girl, and I've been sitting in front of him for four whole years.  
  
Ginny says he's finally started to figure things out. I wonder how long it will take him to actually tell me. I hope he doesn't think I'm going to wait for years for him to get his act together. It's not like I could even consider anyone else at this point, I'm just tired of waiting. If he doesn't figure it out soon, I'm just going to take matters into my own hands. I am not going to turn into another Ginny Weasley. She's been so helpful between Ron and me, maybe I should help nudge her and Harry together… If anyone could use it, those two most certainly could.  
  
I wonder how Harry will handle Ron and I as a couple? I hope he doesn't think we'll let it affect our friendship. The last thing I would ever want to do is abandon Harry. Ginny or no Ginny, Harry is our best friend. We're the closest thing he has to family. He's not going off to face Lord Voldemort without us at his side. The three of us are a team. Nothing is going to change that  
  
…  
  
Oh no! Just when I thought things were going great, I find out this! Ron has a crush on Hermione! How could this happen? Why now? And he asked me for advice. What can I possibly tell him? Sorry Ron, Hermione and I love each other, so sod off… Why can't anything in my life ever be simple? How are we going to stay friends when he finds out Hermione and I love each other? Ron is my best friend. He's more than just a friend, he's the brother I never had.  
  
What if I have to choose? It could very well come to that and, knowing my luck, it will. How do you choose between friendship and love? Well that's easy – love wins obviously. But what if choosing love means taking it away from your friend? How will Hermione feel if I reject her? Will she hate me? I could never handle that. No matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a friend. What am I going to do?  
  
Solution one: Hurt Ron, Hermione and I live happily ever after. How could I ever live with myself knowing everything was at the expense of Ron and our friendship? Do I have the right to put my own happiness ahead of my friend's? Who's to say Ron and Hermione would even get together? There's no reason to believe she even thinks of him that way. If that's the case then, I would be a fool to not choose Hermione.  
  
Solution two: Reject Hermione. Dear God, the last thing I ever want to do is reject Hermione, or hurt her, or see her hurt. I can't even think about this alternative. Life without Hermione is not worth thinking about. What if she's better off without me? She's faced danger before because of me…what if she got hurt or even killed because of me? I think I would go kiss a Dementor if that happened.  
  
Hermione. She's the only thing I can think about anymore. How could one kiss on a platform do this to me? One little kiss, two little words and she has taken over my life. I need her like the sky needs the sun. Oh my god, she's even turning me into a poet. I've filled up two entire rolls of parchment so far with my feelings about her. What's it going to be like when we're actually together? IF we're ever actually together….  
  
I still have to answer Ron. I have to think of something to say… something vague that hints at the truth, so he won't feel I lied to him when all of this is over. Okay, how about this: Dear Ron, If you're half as fond of Hermione as I am, you'll know that friendship by itself isn't so bad…  
  
…  
  
I don't know why I even bothered to ask Harry. I asked for advice and he wrote me an essay on friendship. I think living with those Muggles has rotted his brain. I finally broke down and asked Ginny. She didn't have to gloat THAT much. She's still acting smug. I let her keep Harry's letter because it wasn't going to do me any good. Is she ever going to get over that crush on him? That just can't be healthy.  
  
Ginny says the most important thing to do in this situation is to make sure Hermione knows how I feel. That's pretty rich coming from her, but if anyone would knows about crushes, it's my sister. Now all I have to do is find a way to tell Hermione how I feel. Who'd have thought it could be so hard to tell someone you care for them. So here's my big choice – write her a letter, or wait until she comes to visit.  
  
I hate waiting – I'm writing a letter…  
  
…  
  
He finally did it! Ron wrote me the most wonderful letter and finally told me how he really feels…  
  
I can't wait to tell Harry. Ginny said she thought Harry might have taken a fancy to me. That's just silly. Harry take a fancy to me? We're best friends. He's the brother I never had. I'm just worried he's going to feel alienated by Ron and I being a couple. I can't let that happen. Harry needs us and, I at least, need him. Just not the same way I need Ron. Harry knows that, I'm sure he does.  
  
I can't let Harry be alone. I'll have Ron talk to Harry and I'll talk to Ginny. We'll make those two get together in spite of themselves. It'll be great good fun. We can double date, I'll have someone to talk to when Ron and Harry go off on their Quidditch tangents, After we finish school we can marry and we'll all be in-laws, maybe we can even be neighbors. Very neat solution. Hermione, you are one clever witch.  
  
Ok, one week until I go to the Burrow, two weeks until Harry gets there. There's so much to think about. One week to get ready for Ron, one week to get Ginny ready for Harry. Great Merlin's Ghost, I've only barely started studying for OWLS, I am so behind. Only ten months left to go and I've only read through my texts once. So much depends on those tests, how could I have been so careless?  
  
…  
  
I am a bloody fool. I spent all that time agonizing over how to soften the blow for Ron, and all the time it was me that was getting let down. How could I have been so wrong? I made too much out of nothing. Lots of friends kiss each other on the cheek. I'm the only git who thinks it means my friends secretly love me. Signing a letter with Love is just an expression of endearment. Only a fool would take it literally. How could I be so bleeding stupid?  
  
All I want to do is find some place dark and quiet where I can be alone. I spent ten years in a cupboard wishing I could get out, and now I wish I could just go back there. I want to scream. I want to cry. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. Why? How is it possible that I can feel this way about her, and she feels nothing for me? I thought love found a way. What a lot of rubbish…  
  
I was all set to tell her. I had what I wanted to say all worked out. I was going to ask her to go for a walk with me, and then I found them together – all snogs and hands and heavy breathing. They just hadn't figured out how to tell me yet. Like it would have mattered how they told me. Now, they won't leave me alone. They want me to know our friendship is still important.  
  
Our friendship…how ironic. After the letter I wrote to Ron, they must have assumed I had started to figure things out on my own. They make a conscious effort to include me in with their plans and I can't very well refuse can I? They're my best friends, I have to act like I'm happy for them and I have to sit there and watch them hold hands and make eyes at each other. It's worse than a cruciatus curse. I'm stuck because of that bloody letter I wrote to Ron.  
  
They know something is wrong. There's no way I can tell them though, so I tell them I'm not feeling well. I tell them my scar hurts. I tell them I'm not sleeping because of nightmares. I tell them anything but the truth. They're too blinded by their own emotions to see that I'm lying. Ginny seems to be the only one that knows something is wrong. The only time Ron and Hermione leave me alone is when Ginny is around. She is much harder to fool and keeps asking hard questions. I wish she would just go away.  
  
…  
  
Hermione. She's the only thing I can even think about. That sounds boring but it's not. I think about her hair. I think about the way she smells. I think about the way her nose wrinkles up when she's concentrating. I think about the way she laughs. I think about kissing her. I think about…. Well, you get the picture. It's really exhausting work actually, trying to make sure you don't forget about anything. I want to remember everything about her. I want to have an entire spare Hermione in my head to keep me company for the seconds when she's not with me.  
  
If there is a single downside to this summer, it's Harry. He's been positively morbid and he won't say why. Something to do with You-Know-Who I guess. He just goes on about nightmares, and his scar. I am determined that Harry is not going to ruin my summer. Hermione is determined to cheer him up though. It seems the only two things she wants to talk about are O.W.L.S. and matching up Harry and Ginny. I don't want to talk about either one.  
  
Harry is my best friend, but Ginny is my sister. Harry is a great fellow, but he isn't exactly leading a charmed life. You-Know-Who has a personal vendetta out for him, which is about as un-charmed as you can get. Being close to Harry is a dangerous business, and I don't expect that's going to change any time soon. It's okay for me, I know what I'm getting into, but I don't want Ginny getting hurt or even worse because she's too close to Harry. It's bad enough that Hermione's at risk. I have a responsibility to look out for Ginny and I don't want any part of this matchmaking business.  
  
So, of course, I'm doing it anyway. Why? Let's just say that Hermione can be very persuasive when she wants to be. Dad has always said that the two most important words a man can learn are "Yes, Dear" – that way he can not only get the last word in, but the last two words. I always though it would be different for me… I guess that's why he's the dad. I still don't like it. Nothing good is going to come of this.  
  
…  
  
Things are going wonderfully. I'm back on schedule with my preparations for the O.W.L.s. Ron and I are together. Harry and Ginny are… well, they're talking if nothing else. That little part of my plans is a bit more difficult than I imagined. Ron isn't so keen on the idea at all. It took a lot of convincing to get him to go along with the plan. He came around though. I had him talk to Harry. I talked to Ginny. We make sure they have time together. We have to wait and see now.  
  
Harry doesn't seem well at all. He seemed to be doing so well earlier in the summer, but he's really gone downhill since then. I really hope Ginny can get through to him. He seems so sad. It's perfectly understandable of course, after all he's been through. He feels responsible for everything too – Sirius, Cedric, even Voldemort himself. The only time he seems happy is when he's flying and he gets to do precious little of that. Come on Harry! Let Ginny in. She can heal you…  
  
I feel stretched rather thin myself. Studying for O.W.L.S., spending time with Ron, and trying to fix up those two is leaving me very little time for sleep. Things need to get normal soon or I am simply going to sleep through the entire school year. I wonder if catching up on lost sleep is a legitimate use for a Time Turner? Probably not, most likely I'd end up using it to spend more time snogging with Ron.  
  
The simple quiet times with Ron are better than sleep really. Simply to be near him is better than food or sleep or dreams. I long for the day when we can be together always. I want to wake up next to him in the morning. I want to listen to him snore before I go to sleep. I want a house and children with him. It is silly to think of these things know, I know, but I want them any way. Mum says not to get my hopes too high - that first loves almost never last. I am determined to show her we are different.  
  
…  
  
Ginny likes me. Ginny fancies me. Ginny has a crush on me. Ginny loves me. Ron told me. Hermione told me. Finally, Ginny told me. So now what do I do? Now I'm responsible for someone else's emotional well being. One thing I've learned from all of this is that everything you hear about love is a bunch of rot. Love doesn't make anything easier. Love doesn't find away. Love doesn't create any special bond. Love doesn't communicate. Love just makes you into a blithering idiot, and leaves you to find your own way.  
  
What do I do about Ginny? I don't want to hurt Ginny, but I love Hermione. I can't lead Ginny on under false pretenses. I can't stop loving Hermione either. It would be bloody convenient if I could. The truth is, I don't want to stop loving Hermione. I want to be with her and not Ginny. Somewhere in this life, I have to get one thing I want. Just one! Is that too much to ask for? Am I asking for too much?  
  
I have to solve this Ginny problem. I have to tell her the truth. Okay, maybe not the whole truth but at least something resembling the truth. I'll tell her I can't honestly have a relationship with her because I love someone else. That's the truth. She's going to want to know who…. I'll tell her it's Cho. She'll believe that. Even Hermione would believe that. That will work perfect. No one could realistically expect Cho and I to get together after what happened to Cedric. The mere mention of Cedric clams people up.  
  
I wish September 1st would hurry up and get here. At least I'll have schoolwork and Quidditch to keep me busy. I never want to come back to the Burrow. I would rather be at the Dursley's than here. At least when I get back to school, I'll be able to write again – I miss the release of being able to pour my feeling onto paper. There's always someone standing over my shoulder here, worried I'm not feeling well.  
  
…  
  
I had my little chat with Harry. He and Ginny aren't exactly a couple, but they do spend a lot of time together. I still don't like the idea of those two together at all. If there is a single bright side to the whole thing, it is that Hermione and I get to spend more time alone. If not exactly alone, at least we don't have Harry hanging on like a third appendage with that dark cloud that sits over his head. One odd thing about those two; You'd think that after all the time Ginny has spent pining away over Harry that she would be much happier now that they are together, or friends, or whatever they are. She doesn't seem very happy at all.  
  
I swear if Harry hurts her, I am going to strangle him. You-know-who will be his best buddy compared to what I'll do to him. I should have never gone along with Hermione and her meddling. I'm going to end up with a big 'I- told-you-so' out of this that Hermione is never going to live down. I just hope Ginny doesn't pay the price for my victory.  
  
It's starting to feel like I've just written off my friendship with Harry. I don't really want that, but I have to have priorities. I hope it never gets to the point that I have to choose between my family and my friend, but if it does, it's not really a choice at all. The same goes for Hermione. If I have to choose between keeping Hermione safe and Harry's friendship, then Harry is on his own. It will hurt, but I'll do it. The saddest part of all this is that it's just a matter of time before something happens.  
  
Damn Harry! He's doing it to me again. His gloominess is catching. I'm supposed to be happy. I have the cleverest, most beautiful witch in the world as my girlfriend and he's dragging me down. I am happy. I love Hermione and she loves me. I'm flying without a broom. I'll never need new shoes again because my feet don't touch the ground. I will not let Harry Potter ruin this for me.  
  
…  
  
So Harry is still not over Cho. I had no idea he was so serious about her. I had no idea Harry was so good at keeping secrets. I've always thought of him as rather transparent. I can't do anything to help him with Cho. I'm not sure I would if I could. Ginny is much better for him anyway. I keep telling Ginny to just be patient. He can't mourn forever. How long can it take? How long would it take me to get over Ron? Okay, so it could take a long time. But Harry and Cho are different from Ron and I – for one thing, there was never actually anything going on between them.  
  
Ginny can handle this. At least he told her what the problem was - that's more progress than I ever made with him. She just needs to be patient. She's waited this long, what's a little longer? She is a part of his life now. That has to count for something. Why do I feel like I am losing Harry? It can't be because of his relationship with Ginny, because I don't feel as if I'm losing her at all. I miss confiding in him. I miss his jokes. I miss the way he turns from scared boy to serious wizard and back. I miss my best friend. Do I still need a best friend now that I have Ron? My life feels less without Harry in it.  
  
My life feels quite full with Ron in it. I was so empty without him and I never even knew it. It keeps getting better too. I'm in love. What a wonderful thing it is to be in love. Everyday I discover new things about myself and about the world and about Ron, things that aren't in books. I still love books, mind you, but for the first time I love life more. I've discovered that there are things I enjoy more than studying. That's not going to stop me from acing those O.W.L.s. though.  
  
…  
  
I feel a little better now, that is to say, bloody awful, but not quite so much as before. School has started, and the rush towards the O.W.L.s has started. I have Quidditch. I get to write my rambling journal of frustrations again. I don' t have to spend every waking moment with Ron and Hermione. I actually look forward to Potions now. When you want to feel miserable, stay busy, and hate someone beside yourself there's just no match for two hours in a dungeon with Professor Snape.  
  
The only fly in the ointment so far is that Hermione and I were both made Prefects. That would be absolutely fantastic under different circumstances, but now it's just awkward and painful. We end up spending a lot of time together, and Hermione still wants to be my friend. It's not that I don't want to be her friend of course; it's just that being around her just reminds me of what a bloody fool I am. I can't act like I don't love her when I do. I try to act like everything is OK, but she's starting to suspect something. She is too smart to be fooled for long. God, I love her.  
  
Ginny is starting to suspect something too. The problem with telling lies is that you have to keep telling them to cover up the ones you've already told. Before long, you forget what you've said and what you haven't. Then the truth starts to slip out. Ginny and I have come to a general understanding. She knows I don't love her, but she seems to think she can wear me down. I don't want to be worn down though, and try hard to keep from giving her the illusion that I do. We've become friends. That's it. I will admit I like having her around. That's it. I love Hermione, no one else.  
  
Part of me wants to love Ginny. My life would be so much better if I did. If only I had noticed her sooner. If she had told me how she felt a couple months earlier, none of this would have happened. If Ginny had kissed on the platform at King's Cross, none of this would have happened. All of us would be happy. If wishes were fishes, then beggars would feast.  
  
…  
  
Bloody school. One class after another – they act like we have nothing better to do than sit around and learn about Goblin Rebellions. When I am ever going to need to know that Grak the Timid was defeated in battle by Barg the Malodorous? Why does Hermione have to take so many advanced classes? I hardly see her at all anymore. Over half the day she's off in her special classes, and the rest of the day, we're still in class so it's not as if we can talk or anything. When classes are over there's still homework that has to be done, and you know Hermione when it comes to Homework.  
  
Harry's more or less back to normal even if he is studying almost as much as Hermione - not even a word of complaint. The other day, he actually did an extra-credit assignment! In Potions no less! Those Muggles did something to him. I know it. Maybe his Prefect badge has gone to his head. Maybe he's going to turn into another Percy. At least he's not depressed. That was bloody awful. I don't think I could live through another Harry Potter depression.  
  
Hogsmeade is coming up this weekend. Hopefully I'll get to spend some time alone with Hermione. We're supposed to go down with Harry and Ginny, oh joy of joys… I'll have to convince Harry to come up with some excuse to leave early - Maybe another essay for Snape. I swear, that quill must be glued to his hand. At least he and Ginny aren't really a couple. If I had to worry about him sneaking off with Ginny the way I want to with Hermione, I would go nutters. I asked him about it and he said they're just good friends. That's more than enough if you ask me.  
  
If only I could find a way to spend more time with Hermione. I wish the day would grow extra hours so I could have more time to spend with her…  
  
…  
  
Things are going better. My great scheme looks as if it might actually work. Ginny is making slow but steady progress with Harry. He actually seeks out her company now. Well, not always but sometimes. He's become very serious about his studies this year. I've never seen him work so hard. I'm impressed. He even got a better grade than I did on a Charms paper. I hope he doesn't think I'm going to let that happen again. Angie says he plays Quidditch like he's possessed. I wish he would put some of his new resolve into Ginny.  
  
I need to stop worrying about him. He seems to be doing much better now. He's letting Ginny in slowly and he seems to be able to focus whatever is bothering him into productive energy now. He's going to be OK. I've already started sleeping better.  
  
I miss Ron. I miss our picnics and our walks and our evenings in the garden. I'm so busy here at school, I think Ron feels neglected. I hope he understands what an important part of my life books and schools and studying are. It isn't that they are more important than he is, it's that they are part of who I am. He'll understand. We love each other, that's the most important thing. We can work out anything as long as we have that.  
  
This weekend, the four of us are going to Hogsmeade. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not even going to think about O.W.L.s or books for a whole day. We'll spend a little time with Harry and Ginny, then it's nothing but Ron. I can hardly wait.  
  
…  
  
Goddamn Voldemort and his Death Eaters. The next time I face Voldemort I am going to kill him slowly and painfully. He will pray to whatever miserable excuse for a god he believes in for death. I am going to rip the limbs of his body. I am going to peel off his skin, I am going to tear out his organs one by one. I am going to do it with my bare hands.  
  
The same goes for any bastard of a Death Eater I catch. I killed two of them already - one with the Avada Kedavra, the other with a piece of firewood. I would have killed more, but there were just too many of them. I can block one Cruciatus, but I can't block out two. If I could move, I would still be hunting them down. Those bastards are going to pay.  
  
I hope Hermione is okay. I can still see her lying there on the ground and that first Death Eater pointing his wand at her. I can still hear those words: "…the orders are to kill the friends, leave Potter alive…" In broad daylight. On the streets of Hogsmeade. I don't even know if anyone got killed. I did as much as I could. I pulled Ron and Hermione and three others to safety before they got me. They were alive, but that's all I know.  
  
I wish I could bloody move. Madame Pomfrey has me immobilized or something. I heard her tell Professor Dumbledore that I was doing better than expected. If I'm doing so bloody well, why won't she let me up? If she won't let me up, why won't she at least let me move a bit. I can't even move my head and I'm stuck staring up at the bloody ceiling. I have work to do. Who knows where Voldemort and the Death Eaters will get to while I'm trying to count holes in the ceiling tiles.  
  
…  
  
I knew nothing good was going to come of this. Bloody Death Eaters tried to kill all of us. Hermione was almost killed. No one will even say what happened to Harry, but apparently he's still alive. I got off the lightest of us all with cuts and bruises. Thank God Ginny wasn't there. Two Hufflepuff third-years were killed, dozens of people were hurt. No one is allowed out side of the castle now for any reason.  
  
I have been trying to reconstruct the events of that day. They were coming after Hermione and me…maybe Ginny too. I bloody well knew that was going to happen. Harry was his normal bloody heroic self, trying to save the whole damn world. They say he fought like a mad man to save us. He killed one of them without magic even. He wouldn't have had to be a hero if he hadn't put us all at risk in the first place.  
  
They tried to kill Hermione! Hermione! Do you know what it's like to see the woman you love lying in a hospital and not knowing whether she's going to live or die? Bloody Dementors' Kisses aren't in it. Why couldn't I have been the one that got hurt instead of her? She was so pale and fragile, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help her. Madame Pomfrey says she is going to be okay now, but it was really close. Too close, if you ask me.  
  
As soon as I can see Harry, we're going to have a chat. I made this decision back in the summer – if it was just me, it wouldn't be such a big deal. It's Hermione and Ginny though. I'm not willing to trade either one of them for Harry Potter. Our friendship is over. Finished. I'm keeping Hermione and Ginny as far from Harry Potter as possible. If I have to use force I will.  
  
Ginny is going to hate me. I don't care. It's for her own good. She's been camped outside the Hospital Wing since it happened trying to convince Madame Pomfrey to let her see Harry. She says she loves him. I believe her, but I don't care. It's better to have a broken heart than to be dead. She's my sister. I have a responsibility to look out for her.  
  
Damn it, Damn it, Damn it. Why did it have to be Hermione? Please, Please get better Hermione.  
  
…  
  
I didn't know it was possible to hurt so much. Every part of my body hurts. Madame Pomfrey says I'm lucky to be alive. I don't fell very lucky just yet. Anything is better than being dead.  
  
Dead… I wonder if anyone died… Madame Pomfrey won't say and she won't allow me to have any visitors yet. She said Ron was okay, she won't say about Harry. God I hope Harry didn't get killed.  
  
I've been trying to reconstruct the events in my head, but I can't. I remember sitting on the bench outside of the Three Broomsticks. We were waiting for Ginny to get there – she had a detention and said she would meet us there. Some one screamed something about Death Eaters, there was a blast and then things went dark. I don't really remember anything after that. I have a vague recollection of being carried, and of shouting. My next clear memory is being here in the Hospital Wing.  
  
I need to see Ron. Why won't she let me see Ron? Doesn't she understand how much better I would feel if I could just see him? Why is it that no one takes our relationship seriously?  
  
…  
  
I guess I was hurt pretty bad. I don't feel anything though. That's the problem, I don't feel anything – absolutely nothing. Physically, that is, mentally I feel lots of stuff and most of it is bad. I still can't move, but I can talk at least. Madame Pomfrey has let me have three visitors: Sirius, Professor Dumbledore, and Hermione.  
  
I was so happy to see that she was okay. I was so worried that she might have died. She was pretty badly injured, but she is getting better. She says Ron is okay too, that he wasn't badly hurt. At least I saved those two. She won't tell me anything else though. She said that she had to promise Madame Pomfrey not to say anything to be allowed to visit. I can tell from the look in her eyes that it isn't good though. She just looks at me and cries.  
  
I hate it when Hermione cries. I hate it even more that I can't do anything about it. For a few minutes though she sat with me and I forgot all about that. For a few minutes, it was just her and me. I came so close to telling her that I love her. I'm glad I didn't though, it would just make her cry more.  
  
I've come to a realization lying here for so long. I have to stay as far away from Hermione as possible. Those Death Eaters were trying to kill my friends. If they keep trying, sooner or later, they are going to get lucky. The only way I can protect my friends is to stay away from them. I have to find a way to convince Ron and Hermione and Ginny to stay away from me. I have no idea how to do that. Maybe Professor Dumbledore can transfer me to another school.  
  
Sirius is here. His face has the same expression as Hermione's when he looks at me. He won't give me any information either. I'm glad he's here though. He hasn't left for days. He tells me stories about my father. He reads to me. I told him what I was thinking and he said although he understands how I came to my conclusion, it is based on flawed premises. He doesn't think my friends will allow me to isolate myself from them. He's right and wrong at the same time. I don't expect them to let me, I don't know how yet, but I'm going to make them.  
  
…  
  
Hermione and Ginny are both royally ticked off at me. I tried to explain to them, logically, why they needed to stay away from Harry, for their own safety. Both of them threatened me with violence. Ginny actually tried to hex me. I have a plan now though. All I have to do is to get Harry to go along with it.  
  
I finally got to see him. He looks like hell. I really don't know how he survived. Practically every bone in his body was broken and has to be re- grown. He actually lost a leg and Madame Pomfrey had to magic it back on. His entire body is gigantic mass of cuts and scrapes and bruises. It's hard to be angry with him when he obviously tried so hard to protect us.  
  
He always has to be the bloody hero. He single-handedly held off eight Death Eaters for ten minutes. He actually killed two of them. There was even talk of a trial for him because he used an unforgivable curse. Professor Dumbledore put a halt to that though. Can you imagine one fifteen- year-old wizard holding off eight adult Death Eaters? Absolutely incredible. Only Harry Potter could manage something like that. Plans or no plans, I will always be proud of the fact that I was Harry's friend.  
  
Ginny has been spending every available moment with Harry. I've stopped trying to keep her from seeing him. Let her be happy for now - Harry too. This is going to be just as hard on him as the rest of us. I can wait until he gets out of the Hospital Wing. He's going to need his strength, and my plan isn't gong to work until he's up and moving around anyway. Right now it would probably kill him and I don't wish Harry any harm. I do have priorities though.  
  
…  
  
I can't believe Ron would even suggest such a thing. That blast must have rattled his brain. Abandon Harry? After what he's been through? He risked his life to save us. He almost died to save us. He risked going to Azkaban to save us. How could I even look at myself in the mirror if I abandoned Harry now?  
  
He says it's not about Harry, it's about Ginny and me and keeping us safe. What a load of rubbish! We've been best friends for four years now, we've risked our lives for each other. How could Ron ever think I would do such a thing?  
  
You should have seen Ginny's reaction. I thought she was going to kill her own brother. She actually pulled her wand on him. Neville and Colin had to tackle her to keep her from hexing him. Ron's true feelings about Harry and Ginny have certainly come out. I don't know what it's going to take for him to see that those two were meant for each other. How could he want to deny his sister the love of her life?  
  
Ginny has been with Harry constantly. He's in a lot of pain now. Madame Pomfrey had to practically re-grow his entire body and kept him on Pain Blocking potions during the process. Now he has to start using his repaired limbs and she's taken the Pain Blockers away. It will be a difficult process for him to get back to normal, but it's a miracle he even can get back to normal.  
  
I can't even be angry with Ron. I missed him so much those first few days, that to fight with him now would hurt me more than it would him. I just have to make him see that Harry is an important part of our lives. We don't share the same blood, but we are family.  
  
…  
  
I kissed Ginny. She kissed me actually, but I didn't try to stop her. This wasn't a peck on the cheek like I got from Hermione at King's Cross. This was a real kiss on the lips. It was wonderful. It was terrifying. I am so confused. Only a couple days ago I almost confessed my love to Hermione. I do love Hermione, but I really enjoyed that kiss. I feel guilty.  
  
Ginny openly says she loves me. She says she doesn't care if I love her or not. I still don't, but I want to. I even wish that I did. I do feel something for her, I just don't know what to call it though. Like is too casual, Fancy is too frivolous, and Love has too much baggage. I have had emotions for three women: Cho, Hermione, and Ginny. Each emotion has been completely different from the other. What do I call them? I don't think I could put Cho in the same category as the other two, but that doesn't solve the problem. What is this emotion and what do I do with it?  
  
A week ago I was ready to push everyone away. Now I am trying to find some justification that will allow me to love Hermione and still have a relationship with Ginny. Is that fair to Ginny? Maybe I should tell her the truth, I think she suspects it anyway. Why do I feel like I'm being unfaithful to Hermione by kissing Ginny? Everything between Hermione and me was a figment of my imagination. So why can't I let it go?  
  
I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Sirius is gone again and there's no one else. I'm going to have to figure this out for myself.  
  
…  
  
Damn Hermione. Why does she have to be so smart? She has almost convinced me not to go through with this. One thing is for sure, if she ever finds out I was involved she is going to kill me. I don't mean figuratively, I mean literally six-feet-under d-e-a-d dead. Same with Ginny. This had better go smoothly, or it's all over for me.  
  
Better that it be over for me than be over for them. That's the point of this whole thing. Hermione has forbidden me from interfering with Harry and Ginny. I suppose she doesn't realize that as a brother I am authorized to totally ignore such edicts.  
  
The problem is I really feel bad about this. Harry practically tried to die to save Hermione … and me. He has been my best friend for four years. I do not want to do this, but it has to be done. I still don't even know if I'm going to be able to convince Harry to go along with this. I can only hope that he will be more logical than Ginny or Hermione.  
  
Ginny is going to be crushed. Hermione is going to be pissed. Harry will be alone. I will lose my best friend. We will all be alive though. Why does an idea meant to accomplish something good hurt everyone involved? As soon as Harry gets out of the hospital wing I am going to make my case and then it will be in his hands.  
  
I honestly don't know what I want him to decide.  
  
…  
  
She did it! She kissed him. If anything good could possibly be a result of the Death Eater attack, it is this. Harry is still Harry of course, and he's still holding back, but Ginny says she knows she has gotten through to him. I am so happy for them.  
  
Ron is completely silent on the whole matter. I don't know why he can't just let them be happy. Any day, any hour there could be another attack. I have learned from this that each moment is precious. Any moment we waste without sharing the love we feel could be our last. Every wasted moment is a victory for Voldemort.  
  
I'm out of the Hospital Wing now and back in classes. I am well rested now if nothing else, and ready to hit the books again. The old routine is back, but I have made some modifications. Everyday I visit Harry, and every day I set some time aside for Ron – quality time, even if we just spend it holding hands in the common room. Ron will always know that he is the most important person in my life. I will never give him a chance to think otherwise.  
  
Harry will be out of the Hospital Wing himself next week, then finally the four of us will be together. The castle is locked up tight at least until the holidays. We'll be safe. Nothing can interfere with us. At least for a while, we can share a little happiness.  
  
…  
  
What do I do now? Ron has a plan. I don't know how he ever came up with such a plan, this is a plan worthy of a Death Eater. Bloody Hell! How can he ask me to do something like this? To his own sister?  
  
I know how. He's thinking the same thing I was in the hospital. The Death Eaters will attack again and again. Next time I may not even be there. Next time there may be more of them. They will just keep coming and eventually Hermione, or Ginny, or Ron will be dead. I understand his concerns because they are identical to mine.  
  
But to do something like this? Does he think I'm a Slytherin? He's my best friend and he asks me to do this. He knew exactly how to sell it to me too. He knew exactly what my weaknesses are. He knew I wouldn't be able to refuse. To top it off, he threatened me if I refused. My best friend threatened me with violence and slander. I can't do this, but I can't not do it. I feel betrayed. How could he do this to me?  
  
I had just started to think that maybe I could be happy too. I was going to tell Ginny the whole truth. All of it. Now the truth is irrelevant. The truth is going to be the last thing anyone cares about after this. I will always be alone after this. Never, ever, am I going to let anyone hurt me again. Never. Ever.  
  
Why couldn't I have just died in the Death Eater attack? Death would be so much better than this.  
  
…  
  
He's going to do it. I'm making the final arrangements now. Poor Harry. He looks like death warmed over. I half expected him to hit me.  
  
This is my last chance to back out before all hell breaks lose. Come on Ron, you already made this choice, you can't back out now…  
  
This is going to be very bad. Sooner or later, this is going to come back to haunt me. Hopefully Hermione and I will be very old. Somehow I doubt it.  
  
Too late now. This is going to be very, very bad.  
  
…  
  
That lousy effing bastard. If I never hear Harry Potter's name again it will be too soon. I am still in shock. I still can't believe this actually happened. I want to kill the bastard. I want to leave the cruciatus on him for days. How could he do this? Why, Harry? Why?  
  
What changed in you?  
  
Ginny got an anonymous note to go to the Astronomy Tower. I went with her because, well, you just never know these days. When we got there we found Harry and Lavender in…let's just say disarray. Harry! and Lavender! Lavender! How could he do that? Everything was going so bloody well… Harry didn't say anything but Lavender just looked at us and gave us a big Eat- Your-Heart-Out grin.  
  
Ginny just turned and ran. I took points from my own house. I wanted to hit them. I wanted to kick them, or hex them, or something. How could they? I just don't understand. Something is very, very wrong. Harry has always loathed Lavender. How could they suddenly be having an affair behind Ginny's back? When did this start? Harry's been in the Hospital and Lavender never came to visit him once. I know where he's been almost every minute since he came back. It just doesn't make sense. For someone with a new love in his life, he doesn't seem very happy  
  
Harry would have told me if he were seeing someone. I've tried asking him but he just tells me it's none of my business. He doesn't even call me by first name any more, just 'Granger'. He is cold and rude, as if the past four years of friendship never existed. He has hurt me and betrayed me. He has thrown our friendship away for a 'fling'.  
  
I would play up how Harry is acting to Hermione, because I think Hermione would still put Harry's wants (even if they included Lavender) above Ginny's. I just don't see how being mean to Ginny would want to make Hermione never talk to her best friend again.  
  
Poor Ginny is a wreck. She won't eat and it doesn't appear that she's slept a wink. She hasn't said a single word to anyone for two days. I am so sorry I ever tried to push those two together. If only I had let them be, this wouldn't have happened. Of course, how was I to know that the Boy-Who-Lived would turn out to be such an ass?  
  
Ron seems just as hurt as the rest of us. Harry was his best mate for four year. He must feel so betrayed. He won't talk about it though. He just sits and stares at his hands. I wish I could do something to make him feel better.  
  
…  
  
I hate myself. I hate Lavender. I hate Ron. Mostly I hate myself.  
  
I played along with Ron's plan. It funny how Ron's plan leaves me an outcast and him with the two women I care about. I have the same feelings about friendship now as I have about love. What a load of rubbish. To think I agonized all summer about how to spare his feelings. It's not as if I'll be worrying about friends anytime soon. The only people talking to me by choice are Lavender and Parvati.  
  
Lavender makes my skin crawl. She's actually pretending she's my girlfriend. I haven't even said a word to her since that night. She makes it sound like we'll be honeymooning in the south of France this summer. She's just as aware of what we did as I am. She knew about it before I did, Ron had her waiting in the wings ready to go. She doesn't even have the decency to be ashamed.  
  
I resigned my Prefects badge. I'm sure they would have taken it anyway. The last thing I deserve right now is anything that even remotely resembles a badge of respect. I have one more thing to do, and then I'll be alone. This isn't part of Ron's plan, it's just a little something I've decided to add on for good measure.  
  
…  
  
What have I done? I've destroyed one person's life for sure – Harry is being treated like he has a disease. I've probably destroyed my sister's life. She looks like walking death. She won't eat, she won't talk, she just walks around in a daze. What did I think would happen? What would I be like if I had found Hermione the way Ginny found Harry?  
  
I keep trying to remind myself why I did it in the first place. At least that part will be successful. There is absolutely no chance Ginny or Hermione will be associated with Harry in any way now. Hermione is almost as devastated as Ginny. I had no idea that she would take it so hard.  
  
I wish that I could undo this. I wish that Harry had cursed me for even suggesting it. He didn't stand a chance though. I sold it to him like a grifter. I knew he would feel guilty for the Death Eater attack and I exploited him. What I did to my best friend shouldn't have been done to my worst enemy. What's worse is that people think he wronged me.  
  
The sorting hat made a mistake. I do not belong in Gryffindor. I'm a coward. I came up with this wonderful plan to save my sister and my girlfriend and it didn't cost me anything. Harry has to pay the whole price. I can't even look at him I'm so ashamed. I should confess my part, but I can't. If I did, I would lose Hermione. I couldn't bear that.  
  
…  
  
It just keeps getting better. Today in the Great Hall at lunch Lavender was at the table talking about how absolutely wonderful it would during the Holidays for her and Harry. Harry nonchalantly stood up and said "Lavender, I would rather spend the Holidays with a blast-ended skrewt than with you." Then he threw his glass of pumpkin juice in her face and walked out.  
  
Part of me wanted to cheer and part of me wanted to cry. If he disliked Lavender so much, why did he throw Ginny away? Was it some kind of male hormone thing? I just don't understand. I tried to ask him but he still won't talk to me. I think he needs help… the professional kind.  
  
Ginny is still walking around like a zombie. If she doesn't eat soon she's going to collapse. She needs the same kind of help Harry does. Damn it, what they really need is each other. That's simply impossible now. Damn Harry.  
  
I noticed something else weird. Neither Ron, nor Fred, nor George has tried to hurt Harry. They've never hesitated to threaten violence in the past, and none of them, the twins especially, are known for their self-control. This whole thing reeks. I tried asking Ron about it but he won't say a word. Sooner or later, I'm going to find out what happened here.  
  
…  
  
Under an oath of secrecy, I told Sirius the whole story. I've never seen him so angry. He's calmer now, but he says I'm still a bloody fool. I still won't argue with that. He was so angry I thought he was going to leave me. He's the last friend I have now. He swears that no matter how stupid I am, he isn't going anywhere. Unfortunately for me, he's almost never around.  
  
Life is very simple for me. I eat, sleep, and do my lessons. That's it. No one talks to me if they can help it except for teachers. I stay away from public places as much as possible. I don't want to take the risk of running into Ginny or Hermione. I use my invisibility cloak a lot.  
  
The only bright side to all of this is that my grades are up. I have very few distractions. With my free time, I've gone back to scribbling my thoughts and feelings. I have to release all of this frustration somehow. I wish I could go flying, but the castle is still locked up tight.  
  
I spent the first ten years of my life alone. I can deal with this. I just keep reminding myself that I'm saving Hermione's life. That's all I really care about. I just need to keep her alive until I can get out of here and kill Voldemort and his Death Eaters. After that, who knows? Who even cares?  
  
…  
  
Things are slowly getting back to normal, or at least what passes for normal now. Hermione is settling down. We get to spend more time alone now. Ginny is usually in her bed, she's still chronically depressed, but at least she's functioning now. Fred and George don't look at me like a criminal now. Life is going on.  
  
Harry might as well be a ghost. He never talks to anyone unless he absolutely has to. He eats alone when he bothers to eat at all. Sometimes he won't be seen in the Great Hall for a week. When he's not in class he sits in the corner and studies. He studies more than Hermione now.  
  
I think I killed him. I know he's still breathing and such, but when you look in his eyes they are dead. There's nothing there. He caught me staring at him the other day. He didn't even look at me, just through me, like I wasn't even there. I thought I would see anger, or hatred, or something. It was truly scary.  
  
Hermione keeps asking me about the whole affair. She knows I know something but she doesn't know what. She should know, but I'll never, ever be able to tell her. Someday she'll figure it all out. I just hope that day isn't anytime soon.  
  
…  
  
Ginny is slowly recovering, but I don't think she'll ever be truly happy again. Ron and I try to include her, but I don't think being around us really helps much. I have seriously considered doing a memory charm on her just so she can get on with her life. It just isn't right for some one like Ginny to be so sad.  
  
Harry is almost non-existent. The only time I see him is in class. Ron says he's a ghost that hasn't died yet. That's a pretty good description. I've asked Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore to do something, but they both say it is out of their hands. I'm running out of ideas. The only thing I can think of left to do is to owl Sirius, maybe he can do something.  
  
The most infuriating thing is that I know Ron knows something. He denies it, but I can see the lie in his eyes. I've tried everything to get him to talk. He won't say anything though. Sooner or later I am going to get to the bottom of this.  
  
I spent Christmas at the Burrow with the Weasleys. It was a mostly happy affair. Any place that Ron and I are together can never be truly unhappy. As long as no one brought up the subject of Harry everything was fine. It's just so hard not to bring it up.  
  
…  
  
As summers go, this one is perfectly normal. I'm locked in my room at the Dursleys by night and I work like a slave during the day. There will be no reprieve this summer. The only break to the monotony is the occasional owl from Sirius. This is about the happiest place I could be anyway.  
  
I did well on the O.W.L.s. I suppose I could take some satisfaction that I got just as many as Hermione, but I don't. It's pretty meaningless to me really. I should have failed one so she could have had her moment in the sun. I didn't think about it until afterwards or I would have. It means a lot more to her than it does to me.  
  
I still think about her all the time. That's rather ironic actually. I'm doing exactly the same thing I was doing last summer, but last summer I was ecstatic and full of hope. This summer I am the exact opposite. I am a void of hope. I have two goals left in my life. I am going to kill Voldemort and I am going to kill his followers. After that I simply don't care what happens.  
  
I wish Hermione were here. I wish I could have a single hour with her. I wish that I could tell her that I loved her and give her one kiss like the one Ginny gave me. I wish for one hour that she would feel the same for me. That is never, ever going to happen. I'm wasting my time wishing for it, but time is one thing I have plenty of.  
  
…  
  
Here at the Burrow, with the long days of summer, it is easy to forget that there is anything wrong in the world. Hermione is here. There are no O.W.L.s to study for and the N.E.W.T.s are two years away. I still can't forget though.  
  
You-Know-Who is terrorizing the country. The Dark Mark is seen at least weekly. Even Minister Fudge has been forced to admit that he is back. It doesn't matter really, everyone already knew it anyway. The Minister is a fool. I am a great authority on fools.  
  
Dad says Sirius may get a pardon. That would be good for Harry I suppose. He's back at the Dursleys' I imagine, locked in his room. No one is going to spring him out this year. No one sent him birthday wishes this year. I try not to think about it very much, and I'm ashamed to say I'm pretty good at it. I didn't even remember his birthday until two days afterwards. I'm starting to believe my own lies.  
  
The fact is, as long as I don't think about Harry or You-Know-Who, I am truly happy. I don't lay awake at night wondering if my sister is going to die. I can spend time with my girlfriend without worrying that we have bulls-eyes painted on our foreheads. This is how I wanted my life to be. I just wanted Harry to be part of it too.  
  
…  
  
I've spent almost the entire summer at the Burrow. It has been wonderful. I've had absolutely nothing to do but spend day after lazy day with Ron. I have intentionally held back on the studying just to make sure we have this time. We've had picnics and walks, and quiet afternoons playing chess. This is how I imagine our life together… only more so, of course.  
  
The specter of last year has started to fade into a mere shadow. Even Ginny is feeling better. There is some healing property about the Burrow, something more primal than magic. I wish I never had to leave here. I wish none of us had to.  
  
Harry is still present by his conspicuous absence. For the past five years we have all gone to such great lengths to do something for him. This year I almost did it out of habit. I stopped myself. Whatever went on last year, whatever his reasons were, Harry knew what he was doing. He intentionally hurt all of us. I cannot forgive him for that.  
  
I am going to stop dwelling on Harry. I'm here with Ron in the wonderful place, the rest of the world can go on without me.  
  
…  
  
I did something unimaginable. I went to Snape for advice. After he got over his initial shock, and after the usual condescension, he was surprisingly candid. I asked him how he managed to stay sane all these years, how he managed the anger and the bitterness. He introduced me to music – real Music, with a capital 'M'. It helps a lot. Beethoven, Rachmaninoff, Mahler might have been Muggles but they harnessed a magic as strong as the greatest wizards ever have. Snape and I still don't like each other, but we've come to an understanding.  
  
I'm back in the invisible man routine, same as last year. No one bothers me, I don't bother them. The only thing I do that is remotely normal is Quidditch. At least I get to fly. Flying is better than music and writing combined. It is impossible for me to feel anything but free in the air. Too bad I can't do it more.  
  
Hermione is a dream. I love the sight of her even though every second is a new kind of pain. I like to watch her in the library most, that's where she is most Hermione. I think I am addicted to pain now. When I don't feel pain, I just feel empty.  
  
I wish Voldemort would make his move, I am getting tired of waiting. Snape is supposed to be a spy. I wonder if he would help me get to Voldemort. Probably not, Dumbledore would have his head on a platter, still, it can't hurt to ask.  
  
…  
  
School isn't so bad this year. Quidditch is back. We are allowed heavily supervised trips to Hogsmeade. Hermione and I are in love and we actually tell each other now. Things couldn't be any better unless… well, you know.  
  
Hermione doesn't seem upset anymore and we've gotten a lot closer since the summer. Hermione fills my days and my nights. I feel like the next year and a half is only a hindrance that is keeping us from getting on with our lives. I am trying to be patient, but it is very hard.  
  
I had intended to try out for the Quidditch team, but in the end I decided against it. HE plays Quidditch and if I was there, he might feel compelled to quit. The only time I've seen him look happy since last year is on the pitch, and I don't have it in me to take that away from him. Besides, Hermione gave up rabid studying during the summer, so I can give up Quidditch in the school year.  
  
…  
  
It happened again, this time not in Hogsmeade, but at the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw match. Ron, Ginny, and myself stayed in, for obvious reasons, but we heard about it. Five more students were killed. Cho Chang was one of them. Harry killed three Death Eaters this time, all of them with the killing curse.  
  
They actually sent him to trial this time for using unforgivable curses. He refused to speak on his own behalf. Actually he's refused to speak period. Professor Dumbledore presented his defense, and as expected he was acquitted. It's still hard to believe they actually put him on trial.  
  
I can't help but pity Harry. If he was isolated before, he is completely cut off now. He is no longer on the House Quidditch team. He is no longer in the House for that matter. All of his belongings were removed from the tower to an unknown location in the castle. He is kept away from the rest of us as much as possible. It's easy to understand why, but it just isn't fair. How much can one person take?  
  
It is obvious that Voldemort is aiming for those close to him. Ron and I must certainly be at the top of the target list. We are almost as closely watched as Harry is. I don't expect any of us to be allowed to leave the castle until Voldemort is defeated or until we graduate. I was so looking forward to another summer at the Burrow.  
  
At least Ron and I have each other. Harry has no one. It's his own damn fault of course, but it still has to be hard.  
  
…  
  
I have to get out of here. I have to get to Voldemort. No one else can die because of me, and no one can deny that it's because of me that people are dying. Beautiful, Beautiful Cho is dead. I killed three more of those bastards. I would have killed more, but the god damned Aurors subdued me.  
  
I made my case to Snape. We've actually talked quite a lot lately. I have a constant chaperone now, twenty-four hours a day. Snape seems to get stuck with it a lot. I still don't like him, but I don't hate him either. Yesterday he introduced me to Bartok and that alone would be enough reason to stop hating him. He said he would have to think about my arguments. That probably means he has to run them by Dumbledore, but at least he didn't refuse out right.  
  
I am caged like an animal now. It's hard to believe I was actually acquitted of all charges, because it really seems like I'm a prisoner. There's usually at least one teacher and one Auror with me at all times, and I mean ALL times. They keep me away from the other students except in class, and then they keep me off to one side. All of that's just fine with me, and not really much of a difference from the way things have been for the past year.  
  
I don't get to fly anymore. That's what really hurts. Quidditch is cancelled, probably permanently. That's pretty understandable. I just wish they would let me fly.  
  
They killed Cho…Poor Cho. She was like me. The only time she was really happy was in the air. At least, if she had to die, she died on her broom chasing the snitch. I should be so lucky.  
  
Why Cho? I was over my crush on her. She wasn't ever really a part of my life. If he would kill Cho, he would still kill Hermione, or Ron, or Ginny. That means I did all of this for nothing.  
  
I have to get out of here.  
  
I cannot let Hermione be killed.  
  
…  
  
Harry is gone and so is Snape. Rumors are rampant, but what most people believe is that Snape kidnapped Harry, or possibly killed him. I tend to believe the kidnap version myself. I just can't believe they'd keep Harry's death a secret. No one really has a good explanation for how you could kidnap someone out of Hogwarts, but no one can come up with any thing more plausible.  
  
The temptation to confess my sins is strong again. I hate to hide something this big from Hermione. Still I just can't do it. I am still a coward. I love her too much to let her go for any reason. If there is a hell, they are stoking the fires hot for me, because I am surely going to burn.  
  
I believe I am beyond redemption. My good intentions were meaningless. Ginny and Hermione are in just as much danger as they were when Harry was right in the middle of us. We were happier then too. I think Harry was happy, it's kind of hard to tell sometimes. We didn't accomplish a single good thing by any of this. I say 'we' but I mean 'I'. It was my brilliant idea.  
  
I am going to talk to Professor Dumbledore. I have to talk to someone, and I can't think of anyone better than him.  
  
…  
  
Please, Harry stay alive. If you don't want us in your life, that's okay, but please, just stay alive.  
  
Ron has a secret, I know. He went to talk to Professor Dumbledore and he wouldn't let me come along. We've never had a secret between us before. I can't help but wonder why he can't trust me enough to tell me. Unless I am badly mistaken, it's about Harry. I've tried to confront him about it, but he clams up every time.  
  
Ginny is worried sick. I thought she was over Harry, but as soon as the word came out that Harry was missing, she went into another depression. After all she's been through she still loves him. I haven't told her any of my suspicions, but she's a smart witch and I don't think these dots are so hard to connect.  
  
I won't have any part in trying to connect those two together. That is one lesson I've learned the hard way. The best I can offer Ginny is simply to be her friend.  
  
…  
  
I killed Voldemort. I didn't get to make it as slow as I wanted, but it was painful. I killed him with my bare hands. He really wasn't expecting that. I got to watch him scream though, and I got to watch the life trickle out of his body, finally I got to watch him drown in his own blood. I wish I could say it was a hollow victory, but it wasn't. I enjoyed it.  
  
I also killed Peter Pettigrew, and Lucius Malfoy, and Nagini, and McNair, and about a dozen other Death Eaters. Most of them got the Killing Curse, but Wormtail and Malfoy got what they deserved. I was careful to save Pettigrew's head more or less intact so Sirius could be pardoned. I feel as if I have finally accomplished something. I feel avenged. I can't really say that I feel happy, but I do feel peaceful.  
  
Even better news is that I don't have to go back to Hogwarts. The Aurors, whom I both love and hate, have arranged for more suitable quarters for me at St. Mungo's Institute of Psychiatric Wizardry. They seem to think that I enjoyed my work a little too much, and might decide to go freelance. Whatever makes them feel better.  
  
It's nice here. I get all the books I want. I'll still get to take my N.E.W.T.s. Sirius, Snape, and Dumbledore come to visit on a regular basis and I don't have to worry about visitors I don't want. They really go out of their way to make me comfortable. Sirius thinks I'm getting a raw deal, he says I deserve better. I just can't convince him that I'm fine here.  
  
I would like to see Hermione, but everyone else thinks that's not the best idea. I still have my pictures at least. I get to write as much as I want, and Sirius has brought me quite the music collection. I just wish they would let me fly.  
  
…  
  
Just like that, it's all over. You-Know-Who is dead, the inner-circle destroyed, and we're all free to carry on about our regularly scheduled lives. Harry never came back though. I know he's alive, because I tracked down Sirius and got a cryptic: "He's not well." Sirius knows the truth, that much is obvious. The look he gave me was withering.  
  
No one has seen Harry since he disappeared with Snape and that was over a year ago. Hermione and I are in our seventh year now and she is Head Girl. I'm mostly just plain old Ron but I do have one distinction that makes me stand out from the crowd. The Head Girl is my fiancée. I asked her to marry me at Christmas and she said yes. It's hard to believe we've been together almost three years now.  
  
I am really studying hard for the N.E.W.T.s. I'm going to have a wife to take care of, and hopefully before too long, a family. I really need to get a good job. Dad says a good showing in the N.E.W.T.s will go a long ways in landing a ministry job. The Ministry isn't really how I pictured myself in the future, but a job is a job.  
  
Just a few more months and we start our real lives.  
  
…  
  
So now I am Mrs. Hermione Weasley. The day I waited so long for has now come and gone, and I am just as happy as I imagined I would be. Now I get to be with Ron always. I get to have all those little things I wished for in that summer four years ago. I laugh now to think how innocent I was then, but how smart I thought I was. That was a happy time.  
  
Ron has a new job at the Ministry and he hates it with a passion. It's just a stepping-stone to something bigger and better though; he has to keep telling himself that. I am starting at the University in the fall and when I am done it will be Ron's turn. When we're both through with school, then we'll have children. More than my parents, less than his parents is the plan. Molly is already knitting booties.  
  
The thought of children scares me. I've never given a lot of thought to motherhood really. I just wanted to be Ron's wife. I always had some vague notion that 'someday' I would have children. To the Weasleys, children are like treasure. The idea of postponing children to them is like dieting – it's a nice plan but no one actually expects you to do it. Somehow I have to I have balance being Hermione Granger with being Mrs. Ronald Weasley.  
  
I'm silly for thinking of all this on my honeymoon. I'll wake up Ron and we can have one of our midnight strolls. That always cheers me up.  
  
…  
  
I get to leave St. Mungo's on occasion now. Last week I went to the symphony with Sirius and Severus. It was the most amazing experience of my life. It was more beautiful than Hermione, and that isn't something I would say lightly. I cried and cried. I couldn't even apparate when it was over. I still can't believe Muggles can do that without any magic at all. I wonder what a Wizard composer could do.  
  
Usually once a week I get to go somewhere. Never alone, but at least I get to breathe unfiltered air. I always have an escort and there are always at least two Aurors following us. I've never made any attempt to escape, I don't even want to, it's not as if I have anything to escape to. It's part of the deal though  
  
The deal is Sirius' brainchild. As he puts it, the Ministry has reclassified me as a weapon of war. Whenever they get some particularly nasty nutcase that the Aurors can't handle, they send me at them. In exchange for doing their dirty work, I get to go to the movies or the symphony, sometimes even a bit of shopping. I'm not allowed to visit anyone. I get reminded of that every time I go out. They just don't get it.  
  
Either Sirius or Severus comes almost every day. Sirius has a girlfriend now I think. He tries not to talk about the outside too much. He still thinks it bothers me. Severus and I have a code though. He lets me know what's going on. I never thought I would say this but I've come to admire Severus as a person. He knows exactly what I'm going through because he went through it himself. Severus was strong though. He bent, but he never cracked.  
  
I spend my days here in a prison that isn't a prison, in a hospital that cannot heal. I sit in my room and listen to Muggle music and fill volumes of parchment with emotional flatulence because I loved a girl that did not love me in return. For some reason I never learned how to turn love off, and so it just grew until it consumed me. I haven't been able to distinguish between that emotion and myself. I turned it into hate and used it to kill Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Now the ministry is trying to turn me into a weapon. I'm not going to do it. Even if they never let me see the sun again, I am going to refuse. My love for Hermione is my own, and it is not going to be trampled on that way. I am done with killing.  
  
I love a Hermione that no longer exists. The girl I loved is a woman now. She is married and she's a mother. I might as well be in love with a ghost.  
  
…  
  
There is no feeling in the world that can compare to holding your child in your arms for the first time. It's a daughter this time. We're going to call her Rebecca. Being a father is the best job in the world. I imagine it will be twice as hard now that there are two children instead of one. I can't imagine how Dad ever managed with seven.  
  
Hermione and I have been married for five years now. We have two-year-old son, and a brand new daughter. I still work at the Ministry and don't see that changing. I hate my job and realistically, this is what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. The only thing that makes the job even bearable is being able to come home to my wife and family. It's weird to think about the world in terms of my own family now. I really have to thank mum and dad; I had no idea how much effort it took.  
  
Hermione is a wonderful wife and mother. I can't help but think she wanted more out of life though. I don't mean that she's unhappy, it's just that I think she wishes for more. She didn't get to finish at the University and I know she had her heart set on that. She says there's nothing stopping her from doing it once the children are in school, but both of us know that's just a dream.  
  
We've turned into my parents. I had a wonderful childhood, but I wanted to do better for my kids. I didn't want to have to scrimp and stretch to make end meet for them. I never wanted them to need hand-me-downs or wear Weasley sweaters. I don't want them to resent their friends the way I resented Harry.  
  
Somehow Harry still always makes his way into my thoughts. Despite the fact that I haven't seen or heard from him for six years, I cannot escape his shadow. Even in my happiest moments, the guilt gnaws at me. I wonder if Harry is happy…I know he's still alive somewhere. I haven't ever really tried to find out where. I doubt he'd want to see me anyway, and I don't know what I would say to him after all this time. I'm sure an apology would be a good place to start.  
  
…  
  
To hold this little bundle of life in my arms and to think I had a part in creating it, that this is the product of the love between Ron and myself is simply overwhelming. In all the books I've read, I've never learned the words to describe this.  
  
Ron has that sad look in his face that means one of two things. He either thinking about his deep dark secret or he's thinking I regret motherhood again. I've tried and tried to get him to share his secret, but he insists on keeping it. Whatever it is, it's gnawing at him. I have just as much luck convincing him that I am happy being a mother. Part of me misses the world of books and libraries, but those things aren't going away. I wouldn't trade all the books in the world for this feeling.  
  
I am truly happy. I am much happier than I ever knew was possible. Not a single thing went the way I planned, except marrying Ron. I was such a clever, scheming, little witch, but I didn't know half of what I thought I did. The world is so much bigger and better than I ever imagined. How can Ron think I would ever want more than this?  
  
If I could undo a single thing, I would undo what I did to Ginny. I meddled in her life and I had no right to do that. She laughs at me when I tell her that, and says she's fine. Fine is a relative term though. If I could undo two things, I would undo whatever it was that happened to Harry, even though I don't know what it was. The hardest part about Harry is the not knowing – not knowing why he was so depressed, not knowing why he did such awful things, not knowing why he did such great things, not knowing what happened to him.  
  
Harry is like one of those Shakespearean characters who is tragically flawed and never has a chance. He was like a meteor that shot across the sky. He amazed us all, he scared us all, then he was gone. Except that Harry was a real person. All of us forget that. The boy who twice defeated Voldemort was just that, a boy. He was insecure and afraid and brave and heroic and stupid just like every other boy. He never got to just be a boy though, and that is our fault.  
  
…  
  
I have a house now. I finally got to leave St. Mungo's. I suppose whatever they thought was wrong with me isn't so important now. Now I get to live more or less by myself in a small cottage on an island on the north coast of Scotland. The country here is hilly and barren and so beautiful it takes your breath away. It's all perfectly normal except that my garden has Aurors instead of gnomes. I've been trying to import some gnomes to de- Auror the garden. No luck so far, apparently gnomes don't like Scotland much.  
  
I still lead pretty much the same life. I write my scribblings and I listen to music. Sirius and Severus still visit regularly, although Sirius got married and doesn't come by as often as he used to. I can go out whenever I want to but that takes some of the urgency off of it. I go to the symphony with Severus, but never by myself, too much chance of breaking down. Once or twice a week I walk down to the pub in town and have a pint.  
  
This is mostly a Muggle village but the people here like to stick to themselves and no one asks questions unless they know you first. I live openly as a wizard and nobody bats an eye when I stroll into town in a robe with a broom over my shoulder. One by one they are starting to introduce themselves to me, and I try to remember all their names. No one here has heard of Harry Potter and that's the way I like it. Here, I'm just the guy who will always buy you a pint, or lose miserably in a round of darts.  
  
There's even a girl I talk to once in a while. Her name is Aine, that's Gaelic for joy, and she serves drinks at the pub on Friday nights. She's short and small and has hair red enough for a Weasley. She's nothing like Ginny though. Aine's beauty is the kind that sneaks up on you when you're not looking. She's tough as nails one second and soft as rose petals the next. She takes no nonsense either. When she smiles at you though, it's like a chorus of angels. Sirius says she likes me but I think he's just having me on. The last thing I need in my life is another woman to muck things up.  
  
I still think about Hermione, but it isn't as overwhelming as it used to be. Sometimes I realize a whole day has gone by and I haven't thought of her at all. I don't think I'll ever be completely over Hermione, but I think I can see a day in the future when she'll be just an emotional scar. It'll be a big scar, like the one where Madame Pomfrey reattached my leg, but scars are something I'm used to.  
  
The best thing of all about living here is that I can fly. I usually do it at night, but I can do it whenever I want. It drives the Aurors nuts because I always lose them. The first week I was here I think I spent more time on my broom than I did in my house. If I had just been able to fly like this years ago, who knows what might have happened…well, I'm not going to go down that path again.  
  
…  
  
I have another son. I'm the father of three now – two boys and a girl. Hermione is happy and says she's ready for another one. I got a promotion at the Ministry and at least for a while, things aren't as tight as they used to be. I still hate the job, but it's a very small price to pay for being such a lucky man.  
  
I bought Arthur, that's my oldest, his first broomstick today. You should see the little guy fly around the house. He's only three feet off the ground but he thinks he's in the clouds. Rebecca is so jealous I'm probably going to have to buy one for her even though she's only two. Hermione says that soon we'll be able to have an All-Weasley Quidditch League. Percy already has his team.  
  
Things are bloody marvelous. Ginny is the only adult Weasley not married now. She has been owling a bloke in America lately, so there's hope even on that front. Mum and Dad have more grandkids than they know what to do with now. You should see the Burrow at Christmas now. There's barely enough room to turn around for all the Weasleys crowding the place.  
  
I know where Harry is now. It's a big secret, and I found out by accident. He's living in Scotland now, with all kinds of security around him. I found out because my promotion means I have to act as Duty Officer on the weekends occasionally for the Misuse of Magic Department. The quills for that area were working overtime and I was going to have an Auror dispatched. I was pulled aside by the Chief and informed in no uncertain terms that I would ignore and destroy all reports from that area – it was an HP matter.  
  
I did a little bit of nosing and found out they keep a full squad of Aurors guarding him at all times. He pretty much has carte blanche to do what he wants as far as magic goes. The rumor is that he doesn't exactly have all ten toes firmly planted on the ground. I can't verify that, but I do know he hasn't been there very long, less than a year. Where he was before that is classified and I haven't been able to find out anything.  
  
I have been seriously thinking about going to see him. I need to make things right with him. It's kind of become an obsession. If he's gone off the deep end though, I may not be the best thing for him. I definitely wouldn't want to cause him any more harm. Hermione is my confidant and advisor for these kids of things, and I can't go to her about this.  
  
…  
  
I wish I knew what was eating at Ron. I think I have a pretty good idea, but I wish I knew. It's been almost ten years now, why can't he let it go. Maybe I've been wrong all this time and there is something else. I can't imagine what though, I've barely left Ron's side in all this time. What is so horrible that he can't tell me?  
  
Even Ginny is over it. She kind of has a boyfriend in the States. It's purely a long distance thing, but she seems happy enough with it. It's really about time she moved on, but I would never tell her that. Whatever makes her happy is a good thing in my book.  
  
I'm thinking of pursuing a career in teaching. I want to have one more child before I decide, but I really think that's what I want to do. I kind of get to be a mother and have books around me at the same time that way.  
  
Little Arthur is going to start school in the fall and I'm very excited. He has my brains, and Ron's mischievous streak. May god have mercy on his teachers and fellow students. It really isn't going to help that two of his Uncles run a chain of joke shops.  
  
…  
  
As summers go, this one was quite possibly the best one I've ever had. I went to Sirius' house for a couple days and met his new wife, Laurel. She was very nice. I went to see an opera with Severus and learned to appreciate a whole kind of music. I even went on a date with Aine and she taught me how to dance a waltz. I've actually been happy.  
  
At the moment, things are not so happy. Walking home from the pub I noticed a few robed figures standing on the road. It was then I noticed that my friendly neighborhood Aurors were nowhere to be found. There were also robed figures approaching from behind. I probably could have killed them all by now, but I swore I was done with killing, so I hopped on my Firebolt.  
  
I've never run from a fight before, and I have to think I need practice at it, because I cannot shake these guys. I like to think that I am pretty good on a broom, but these guys are awesome. Over the past few months I've lost dozens of Aurors, but these guys just keep coming. I'm never going to lose them in open sky, I'm going to have to use ground cover  
  
It suddenly occurs to me, that I am working very hard to stay alive. I actually want to be alive. I actually like my life now. It's not even about Aine, it's about me. I finally got over it all. It is pretty typical for me that this would happen when I'm in exceeding danger and most likely about to die.  
  
I remember when Cho died, that I took consolation from the fact that she died on her broomstick, in flight. I remember wishing that I might be so lucky, well I am now. Ha! Joke's on you world! I finally got something I wanted.  
  
There are just too many of these guys. I am stuck in this ravine and I'm moving too fast. My only choice now is Death by rock or Death by tree.  
  
Hello Tree.  
  
…  
  
The time I have been dreading for ten long years has come. Hermione cannot look at me. Ginny is ghost white. And my story wasn't the only shock of the evening.  
  
When I got home from work I found Mum, Ginny, Hermione and an Auror in the living room. Mum was there to baby sit. Professor Dumbledore had summoned the rest of us to Hogwarts. When we got there, Professor Dumbledore sent us to the Potions dungeon. Once there we found Snape, Sirius, Lavender, a Muggle woman, and an enormous quantity of parchment. As soon as I saw Lavender, I knew what we were there for.  
  
It was confession time, Snape said, and he was going to lead the way. A massive and coordinated attack had been made on Harry's life and he remains on the brink of death. Snape has taken it upon himself to resolve certain matters about Harry's life. We all wondered of course why it was Snape that was doing this but we found out. Who would have ever thought that Snape and Harry would be friends. The six of us were the most important people in Harry's life, we were each going to tell our story. The stacks of parchment were Harry's side of the story. When this was done, all of us would know everything, and no one was leaving until we were done.  
  
Snape told his side of the story. How a desperate Harry had come to him, how Snape had tried to help him deal with his frustration and bitterness. How he had begged Snape to take him to Voldemort. He told us the whole story of how Voldemort and the inner circle of Death Eaters had died. He told us the slimy, gory details of how Harry tortured and killed Voldemort and Malfoy and Pettigrew. He told us of Harry's years in St. Mungo's and how he had sat night after night with him trying to help Harry ease his own suffering.  
  
And then it was my turn. I told my tale without hesitation. I told them all about my fears, and all my worries. I told them how I worked out my little plan, and how I recruited Lavender. I told them how I played on Harry's fears, and how I pushed him and pushed him until finally he agreed. I told them how I let my best friend cut himself off from the rest of the world. I told them how I sat and watched knowing I could save him, but was too attached to my own happiness to risk losing it. I told them about how I broke my sister's heart, knowingly and intentionally.  
  
To my surprise Hermione had a confession. It seems insignificant to me, but it was important to her. She told us of her scheme to get Harry and Ginny together, how she coerced me into talking to Harry. How she had advised Ginny, and contrived ways for them to be alone together. None of this was news to me.  
  
Ginny wasn't to be left out. She confessed that she had seen Hermione as a threat and she had schemed to get Hermione and I together. I had never suspected either that Ginny had manipulated anything, or that she was jealous of Hermione. It seems that all of us have had our secrets.  
  
Sirius and Lavender only had different perspectives of events already described. The Muggle woman, Aine, described the Harry that she knew – mysterious and sad, friendly but prone to vanishing in an instant if anyone got too close. She told us how she had slowly befriended him, and learned bits and pieces of his life, and then at long last he had asked her out.  
  
The final surprise of the night came from Harry. Those mountains of paper were ten years of worth of his thoughts and fears and emotions. Much more than a journal, they were the inner most workings of his mind. Snape shoveled each of us a handful and told us to read. I was completely unprepared for what I found. So were Hermione, Ginny, and Lavender. Even Harry had kept his secrets.  
  
Harry was hopelessly, completely, head-over-heels, infatuated with Hermione. He wrote about other things, bloody hell, he wrote about everything, and I mean everything. Not a single scrap of paper was without at least one paragraph about Hermione though. Hermione this, and Hermione that; Hermione in every conceivable context; Every aspect of his feeling for her. He expressed things for her I haven't even thought of and I've been married to her for seven years.  
  
I have read at least a hundred pages of this stuff and I am horrified, and hypnotized by it. How was it that I never knew any of this? How did I know NONE of it? It clears up a lot of things in retrospect. Now I know why he was always so bloody miserable. I don't know whether I am angry at him for this, or whether I pity him. Knowing this now only explains things, it changes nothing.  
  
The question that comes to my mind though, is whether or not Hermione ever had feelings for Harry? Is my whole life built on the foundations of Ginny's manipulations? And what if it is? What has changed? I don't mean to be cold, but these mountains of paper are not the products of a healthy mind.  
  
Why did Snape show us this? What does he expect to come from this?  
  
…  
  
Once again I am in hospital room sitting beside the battered and broken body of Harry Potter. Everything old is new again. Looking at him, one wonders how it is that he is still alive. No one has ever been able to take as much physical punishment as Harry Potter and survive though. Apparently, no one can take as much mental punishment either. All of us are here now, the six of us. The doctors all say it is a coin toss whether or not he makes it. They don't know Harry Potter. He will wake up, and when he does, his friends will be here.  
  
So many wrong things have been done in the past years by each of us, ok, maybe not by Aine. We let Harry slip through the cracks. Harry tunneled his way deeper through the cracks. The six of us have done a lot of talking while we sit here at his bedside, a lot of bad feeling have been burned away in the last few days.  
  
I was hurt by Ron's confession, but not entirely surprised. In Harry's own words he admitted that he'd had the same idea. He never would have been able to pull it off without Ron though. The way I see it, they're equally at fault. I don't think the blame stops with them though. Ginny and I are smart witches and we both knew that the whole thing smelled foul. Neither of us thought to confront Lavender about what happened.  
  
I've forgiven Ron and I've forgiven Harry. Ron doesn't really believe me, but he will. We have the rest of our lives together and I can be very persuasive. I'm still planning to mother another child and I really need his cooperation for that.  
  
As for Harry's psychosis, I don't know. They started telling Harry it was his destiny to slay Voldemort as soon as he got to Hogwarts. They taught him the unforgivable curses he used, and they were consistently unprepared for the Death Eaters. His writings say he killed Voldemort and his followers the way he did out of hatred and vengeance. When they wanted him to be their tool afterwards, he refused.  
  
During the attack that landed him here, he certainly must have had the opportunity to kill at least one of them but he didn't. He swore that he was through with killing and I don't see any evidence to doubt that he is. He never killed anyone that wasn't a Death Eater, except those the Ministry told him too. If Harry was ever a monster, it was because he was made into one.  
  
What would I have done if I had known that Harry was in love with me? That is the question that Ron needs answered. The truth is it would have depended on when I found out. I can't honestly say that I never thought about Harry that way. I think at the very beginning of our friendship I sort of assumed that Harry was who I would end up with. Gradually that changed though, and I don't know how much of that was Ginny and how much was myself. I don't think it really matters now. If, during that summer before fifth year I had found out, it would have been too late. I was already pretty set on Ron by that point. I think if Harry had told me then, I would have just avoided being with either of them.  
  
It's an academic matter now anyway. I have loved Ron for ten years now. I am his wife and the mother of his children. He is my other half, and without him I would not be who I am. I have no desire to change any of that, not even for Harry. I do wish he had told someone about it though. We would have helped him through this. We would have given him space instead of torturing him. We just didn't know.  
  
That is all in the past. This is the present. Harry's last writings say he's over that, and if he isn't we'll help him over it now. This Aine seems nice enough and she seems to genuinely care for him. She's certainly seen and heard boatloads of baggage without running and screaming - I can't say I would have been as understanding if the situations were reversed. If she can make Harry happy then she's Okay in my book.  
  
…  
  
As summers go, this one is pretty typical. That is to say, it's bloody marvelous. I am at home looking over the ocean and all my friends are here. My wife is here and my children are here. It's hard to believe there was ever a time when I hated summers, and painful to think of those years I spent hating life. That is the past. This is the present.  
  
Today is my official Over-the-Hill Birthday celebration. It's sort of a payback thing for the celebrations I threw for Ron and Hermione. My gifts consist of crutches, and walkers, and denture cream, and well, you get the picture. I'm sure there are some real presents around here somewhere. There'd better be….  
  
Who'd have ever thought I would live to see forty? Certainly not me. When I hit that tree I was sure it was all over. It bloody well should have been all over. I wanted to live though. I think that's what made the difference. That, and the strength of my friends around me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such friends, but I thank the stars, or the gods, or whoever it is that is responsible for such things, because I certainly wouldn't be here without them.  
  
Ron and Hermione and Ginny are good friends again. Not best friends, too much has happened for us to go that far, but they are close enough that it blurs the line between friends and family. If anyone deserves the title of best friend now, it is Severus Snape. He pretty much single-handedly saved me from myself, and brought all of us back together. My father is probably spinning in his grave. I say let him turn.  
  
I no longer live in the small cottage by the sea. After much too long in the hospital, I came back to my island home and married Aine. Then James was born, and then Alastair, and then Maddy, and then Lily. Once Alastair was on the way we knew we needed more room so we move to the other side of the island and now we live in the 'big-old-house-that-always-needs-one- repair-or-another-by-the-sea'. We just call it home for short.  
  
I don't lead such a simple life anymore. Nothing is very simple when you're the father of four. Especially when the eldest two are James and Alastair. Those two can get into trouble standing still in an empty room. At least now they are Professor McGonagall's problem most of the year. I get plenty of owls though, and have even sent a howler or two. Professor McGonagall says that it's karma for the trouble I made when I was a student. I really hope the girls are better behaved when they get there.  
  
I don't write any more, but I still love the music. Aine likes my music well enough now although she still prefers Scottish music herself, so it's a family affair. Aine comes from a musical family, and insisted that all the children learn to play something. When we compete for the annual Weasley Family Quidditch cup, we're the only team that can double as a band. No Weasley has ever figured out how to compete with that yet.  
  
Aine keeps me going. I have moments where everything comes rushing back to me. Aine seems to always know though, and always knows just the right thing to say or do. We wizards tend to underestimate Muggles, they have just as much magic as we do, it simply takes another form. She is my love and my happiness, without her I would be so much less, if I even managed to be at all. She is my eternal summer.  
  
  
  
***  
  
Authors Postscript: It could be pointed out that Hermione is the weak link in this plot. Sada, I didn't discount your critique but to fix Hermione would have broken the plot. In the end, this is a story about Harry and I feel justified taking such liberties.  
  
Special thanks go to Sada, Danielle, and as always to Heather…  
  
***  
  
1 


End file.
